science of us

How I Learned to Take an Apology From a Friend

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At a housewarming final year, an former friend confessed that she all the same felt guilty most a picayune affair she'd washed to me years ago. "Information technology's something I'll always regret, and I desire you to know that I'k yet and then sorry," she said.

Did I demand to know? Honestly, I hadn't idea about information technology in ages. It'southward true that she had behaved badly, simply she'd also apologized profusely and sincerely after, and nosotros'd hashed it out over many margaritas circa 2012 before relaxing dorsum into the kind of friendship where, at present older and less prone to drama, we know intimate details about each others' podcast preferences. Yet, she felt the need to explain that our relationship meant a lot to her, and she felt terrible that she'd always jeopardized it, and and then on, then on … the apology floodgates opened. Suddenly, standing in the corner at the party, I plant myself in the awkward position of comforting her for how badly she felt nearly what she had done to me.

It was a weird situation, merely also flattering to know she cared so much. I also felt for her, and wanted to let her off the hook. I know from personal experience that past transgressions take a manner of haunting united states. I've spent my fair share of hours staring at the ceiling in the eye of the night, cringing about something I did a decade ago and wishing I could make information technology up to the person I'd wronged, or at least show them I wasn't really such a jerk.

This kind of self-imposed psychological punishment is plainly a normal part of maintaining man connections, according Karina Schumann, a psychology professor who studies conflict resolution, apologies, and forgiveness at the University of Pittsburgh. "Enquiry shows that afterward someone does something that harms a relationship, they want to take a sense of acceptance again, and get reassurance that they are good people," she says. That's why apologies aren't only about placating the victim of the law-breaking — they're about restoring a sense of moral equilibrium to the offender, as well.

Nigh of what you read near apologies addresses how to go well-nigh it (or non, if you do information technology too much), only there's precious little most how to receive them in a way that puts the matter to bed — or asks more of the apologizer, if that's what you want. About of us just smile and say it'south okay, even when it'southward non. That's "politeness theory" at piece of work, says Gili Freedman, a social psychologist who studies social rejection at St. Mary's College of Maryland. "According to politeness theory, if a person apologizes to you, you feel like you lot accept to respond in a particular manner," she explains. "Yous can't just say, 'Okay, good day.' The normative response is to express forgiveness, and say, 'Information technology's alright, I forgive you.' And that can be problematic if you don't really forgive them, but you experience constrained by the social norm to tell them that you do, which threatens your sense of control of the state of affairs."

Information technology'south also problematic if the person making the apology suspects you lot aren't being honest with them. So! How exercise you regain control when you're beingness apologized to, and accept the apology gracefully and truthfully? I asked the experts for pointers.

You should say so, but be conscientious with your language and tone. "It's of import to be genuine without existence hostile," says Schumann. "Research shows that using a 'constructive vocalisation' — where you phonation your concerns in a positive, at-home manner — is the most effective style to invite behavioral changes and better relationships. Sweeping things nether the carpet and pretending to forgive when you're not ready are not going to ready the problem."

Try saying: "Thank yous, I needed to hear this amends. I really am injure." Or, "I capeesh your apology. I demand fourth dimension to think nigh information technology, and I demand to see a change in your actions before I can move forwards with you."

Don't attack the transgressor, every bit hard every bit it may be to hold back in the moment. "Avert negative strategies like criticism or contempt, attacking the person's character, or mocking them, or rolling your optics at them, or being defensive," says Schumann. "The other person will only go defensive and put up a wall, and you'll get even more than upset."

Ask for what you demand, says psychologist Jen Thomas, co-author of The 5 Languages of Amends. Her research posits that at that place are five modes or "languages" for apologies — expressing regret ("I'm so pitiful"), accepting responsibility ("I was wrong, and you were correct"), making restitution ("What can I practice to make this up to you?"), genuinely repenting ("I've learned, and I won't do it again"), and requesting forgiveness ("Volition you please forgive me?") — and we all take one type, or a combination of a few, that we're most comfy with. Our apology language is usually instilled in us during our upbringing, she says, and tin also shift depending on who the offender is, and the offense itself.

Most people are sophisticated enough to understand "sorry" even if it isn't conveyed in their preferred mode (say, your partner brings you flowers instead of vocalizing that he was wrong — you notwithstanding go the bulletin). "But if an offense is serious or repeated, people may want the apology restated in their apology language," says Thomas. She recommends saying something like, "I really appreciate what y'all're saying. But I would really experience much better if I knew you weren't going to do this over again. How can I know that you lot won't?"

It's possible — and totally appropriate — to assert the gravity of what the offender has washed at the same fourth dimension that you express a willingness to forgive them, says Schumann. In fact, you might need to spell out that information technology'southward a big deal. "Typically with apologies, nosotros come across something called the 'magnitude gap,' where victims see the offense as being more severe, more unjustified, and more than damaging to the relationship than transgressors exercise," she says. "For that reason, victims tend to accept less closure than transgressors, who tend to recall that once they've apologized, the chapter is closed." The all-time manner to get closure for both parties is to be honest about how aroused you were (or are), and explain your expectations from the other person moving forward.

"Sometimes people catastrophize their ain transgressions far more than than their victims do, and worry nigh their touch on the relationship," says Schumann. "Apologizing profusely usually means (1) they really care about y'all, and they want to make sure that relationship is repaired, or (two) they're a highly anxious, vigilant person, either in general or in this particular social position, and don't desire to footstep on your toes." In situations where power dynamics are imbalanced, overapologizing from the less-empowered party might be more than expected (say, a lowly employee who spilled coffee all over the CEO).

Simply if it's coming from a friend, it probably merely means that they really value your opinion, Schumann explains. "Even though being on the receiving end of overapologies can feel burdensome, that empathy tin can be reciprocal: But equally the offender might be empathizing with the impairment they've caused you, y'all can empathize with the guilt they're feeling, and the fact that they want to restore the relationship."

Ultimately, that'due south what worked with my own friend. Later trying various ways to reassure her that information technology was water under the bridge, I changed course and agreed with her. We were both and then young and dumb, I said, and I take enough of regrets virtually how careless I'd been with certain friends during that period of my life, too. "Really?" she asked, looking relieved. "That makes me feel better."

How I Learned to Accept an Apology From a Friend